Musings of a Mother-in-Law

If you are married, you have one. Even if she is not in the picture, there is a mother who, by her presence or absence, has affected your spouse. She will inevitably affect your marriage. I strongly advise you to try and find a common ground, even if the only common ground you have is your spouse. I am not saying to develop a relationship with someone who is a toxic person. But if you know who they are, you'll know more about who your spouse is. 

But, I digress. That is not my focus. My quest is to not be a toxic mother-in-law. Some days I don't want to ask my sons-in-law or my daughter-in-law their opinion of my toxicity. Some days I am not so good for my own mental health. But I do love all three of them, each in their own way. God has put them in my child's life, therefore in mine. We will have a relationship, good or bad. I vow to do my part to try to be a positive part of their life. 

When raising our children, we learn what makes them tick, and what ticks them off. We develop boundaries (hopefully), and sometimes we cross them. They forgive us these transgressions because they know it comes from a place of love. They have learned that even when we have a critical word, or push them over the edge, we love them and would never intentionally hurt them. 

So, let's visit the in-law relationship. 

Our much loved child marries. We may or may not approve, but we must accept their choices. If we have been proactive in guiding them to make good decisions, then we can trust that they have indeed made a good choice. However, we are usually second-guessing ourselves as a parent and we are afraid that we didn't adequately prepare them for adulthood. We want our children to be protected from the choices that they make that will do them harm. God wants them to learn from these choices. If your child is an adult and you are reading this....BACK UP, MAMA! Allow God to work in their life for their good. (Read Roman's 8:27-30) If they want your opinion or counsel, they will ask for it. 

That is a glorious thing, by the way; when your adult child comes to you for your advice or prayer. I have learned, and continue to learn how to help my adult child through difficult times. But I think that's a topic for another day. Today, I must focus on the topic at hand. 

Learning to love your child-in-law. 

1.  Pray for them. I have prayed for my children's spouses since they were born. If you haven't, start now. Pray first for their relationship with the Father. 
2. Accept that God has placed them in your child's life, and in yours for His Glorious purpose. Ask God to help you grow in this relationship, and how you can bless this person He has gifted to you. 
3. Get to know them. Spend time listening, and when you put your foot in your mouth or cross a boundary (you will), acknowledge your mistake. Apologize. 
4. Allow them to get to know you. Be transparent. If they know your heart, they are less likely to be hurt by your inevitable mistakes. 
5. Learn boundaries. "Is it my business?" Probably not.

You probably see a common thread here. Who's in charge? Not me, not my child, not my child-in-law. God is in charge. The quicker we learn that, the better off we will be. I have learned more about God's Sovereignty in these relationships than in any other way. 

God I ask you to bless my children and their spouses. Help them to grow closer to you daily. Use me however you will in their lives, and help me to stay out of Your way.   Amen.